That Damn Kirby!
by Zinka17
Summary: There are two Kirbys at Bullworth Academy. One is only seen on the football field and in the gym, wearing his P.E. uniform. Hardly anyone notices him, and that includes Jimmy, the boy he so desperately wants to kiss, but can't. Fed up with seeing his other self constantly make out with his crush, he decides to do something about it. CRACK


**A/N: If you talk to the version of Kirby in the P.E. uniform, you can't give him flowers, and no kiss is possible. It's even weirder because he'll still flirt with you, and get angry if he sees you kissing someone else. Yes, that person can even be himself.**

* * *

"Later."

I waved goodbye to Juri and Bo, who silently waved back. We had been throwing a frisbee for awhile now, and it was starting to get late. My two teammates headed off the field, going up the stairs and out of sight. I wasn't quite ready to leave, so I walked over to one of the benches and sat down for a few minutes.

"How are you?"

I looked up and to the left, immediately frowning when I saw _him_.

Jimmy Hopkins. Every girl in the school had the hots for this bad boy. There were even some guys who were attracted to him. I was one of those guys.

Luckily, he played for both teams. He could constantly be seen making out with someone on and off campus, regardless of their gender.

I'm a pretty good-looking guy. I'm on the shorter side, but I'm fit, and can hold my own in a fight against someone twice my size. I'm also the wide receiver on our school's football team, and the youngest student here to earn a varsity letter. I'd say I've got it pretty good. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone, but none of these factors are doing me any harm.

Hopkins wasn't picky when it came to kissing partners. He was attracted to all kinds of people, including some of the social outcasts. You'd think a cool guy like me would be guaranteed to have some romantic time with him, right? Well, that wasn't the case. At least, not entirely.

In a way, he and I had already locked lips too many times to count. But I wasn't satisfied, and felt like I never would be. Why? Because it wasn't _me_ who was getting this treatment, but the _other_ me!

It might sound crazy, but there are two of me. I'm always in my P.E. uniform, running laps on the field, doing push-ups, jumping jacks, or playing catch with my friends. I go in the gym as well. Sometimes I'll stand in one spot, holding a baseball bat as I stare at nothing. Bo and Juri do the same.

They're similar to me, being that they're clones. One major difference, though, is that they're mute. The same goes for Justin, one of the preps. His clone never speaks.

There are several other clones from the prep, nerd, and greaser cliques that come to the field and gym, but they can speak. No one knows why some students have clones and others don't. And it's a mystery as to why some of us don't have a voice.

I get kinda lonely sometimes, not being able to have real conversations with Bo and Juri's clones. Sometimes I'll respond to them as if they actually said something, but I never know what they're really thinking. And they're the only jocks aside from myself who are clones.

It's not like I can't talk to the original versions of them. I can, and do. I talk to all the jocks. I usually avoid the other me, however, because I can't stand him.

Why would I hate myself? Well it's because that punk always gets some quality smooching time with Hopkins, and I don't!

Hopkins enjoys visiting everyone in town. At school, he hangs out with students from every clique, as well as the non-clique students. Outside of school, he'll hang around the townies and townsfolk. The jocks get to see him plenty because of his social disposition.

And being that I was the only jock who wanted to kiss him, he obviously spent the most time with me. Of course, it was always the _other_ me.

What was so special about that Kirby? Why did I have to be a cheap knockoff that no one seemed to care about? It wasn't fair!

No matter how many times I would greet Hopkins, we'd never go further than casual chatting. I tried so hard to ask him for flowers, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. My mind was screaming at me to say what I truly wanted, but somehow I was unable to convey my true thoughts.

As I sat there, cursing my existence, I didn't notice that someone was walking towards me.

"Hi there."

My heart pounded in my chest as I recognized the voice. It was him! He never approached _this_ me! I was always the one to call out to him, and we never talked for long before he'd go off with the "real" Kirby. Was my luck finally turning around? Would this be the day I got to kiss Jimmy Hopkins?

Without hesitation, I stood up, smiling as I waved at the other boy.

"Hey babe, wanna be my personal cheerleader? Heheh."

I didn't want to waste any time and got right to the flirting. This was a once in a lifetime chance and I was _not_ going to blow it!

"You okay?"

Hell yeah I was okay! The boy I had been pining for for so long was actually starting a conversation with me! I opened my mouth, eager to ask for the flowers he seemed to always be carrying around.

"I've gotta workout later."

What? No! That isn't what I meant to say!

"All good?"

This definitely _wasn't_ good! Why couldn't I ask him for the stupid flowers? I spoke again, hoping for the best.

"Where am I goin' right now?"

What kind of question was that? I was standing on the football field, not planning to go anywhere at the moment!

"You alright?"

I was not alright! I was screwing everything up, as usual! I didn't have much time left before he'd get bored and leave.

"Should I just go to the gym?"

Great. Now he thinks I want to leave. To my surprise, however, he was still there.

"Heya."

Oh God. There it was. That sweet "Heya." that would always make my heart melt. I so desperately wanted to kiss this boy! Come on Kirby! Pull it together!

"Maybe I can get Mandy alone later."

NO! Hell to the motherfreaking no! Mandy was the _last_ person on my mind right now! She could have Ted, or Johnny, or whoever she wanted for all I cared, as long as it wasn't Hopkins!

This is just great! Who would think I was interested in them with a phrase like that?

"Alright?"

He- He was still here? I couldn't believe it! Our conversations had never lasted this long! And the fact that he still here after all the crap I spewed had me stumped. I still had a shot at this.

"Why am I always looking at the cheerleaders' shoes?"

I froze in horror. Of all the things I could have possibly said, why that? Why now? Who wouldn't be creeped out after hearing that? I knew it was over.

"You cool?"

Wha- He was still here after all that?! This guy sure was something else. If it were me, I wouldn't have been able to take anymore of this garbage.

Please Kirby, please... Don't ruin any sliver of hope that may be left. Ask for the damn flowers before he gets fed up with you!

"Ms. Phillips sure has nice feet."

That's it. Someone shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. After all, what kind of sane person would want to associate with you after _that_ disturbing statement? I knew it was the end for me.

"What's new?"

WHAT!? My mind was absolutely blown. Why the heck was he still here?! He should have been scared off, not wanting to be anywhere near me! Yet here he was, being as friendly as ever.

Kirby, you got extremely lucky today. Don't make this anymore of a disaster than it already is! Fix this now!

"Hey, I bet I can get you a cheerleader!"

A cheerleader?! I don't want him to have a cheerleader! I want _him_ to be _my_ cheerleader, or vise versa if that's what he'd prefer! I would never try to set one of those stuck up girls with him! It's not like he needed help with that anyway! They were all over him as it is!

Why can't I get the right words out of my damn mouth?! This is ridiculous!

"Hey hey."

He wasn't tired of me yet. This was a miracle. I didn't understand why he was being so patient with me, but I certainly wasn't complaining. If I could just get my shit together, that would be great!

"Pick a girl! I can hook you up with any one of them!"

Not again! Why was my dumb mouth so intent on pairing my crush up with someone else? This was beyond frustrating, and I was starting to lose it.

"Sup?"

This can't last much longer. Why he was giving me this much attention, I didn't know, but surely he'd get annoyed any second.

I thought as hard as I could, forming the words in my mind as they repeated multiple times. I could do this. I wanted this more than anything in the world!

I focused all of my mental energy on flowers. Flowers flowers flowers. That's what I want! I don't give a damn about anything else!

Sure that I had it now, I opened my mouth once more.

"Come on, I'm the star of the football team!"

Shit!

A frown suddenly came to Hopkins' face, and to my horror, he stepped forward, putting his arms out in front of him. He shoved me roughly, and I stumbled backwards in shock.

"Idiot!"

He had never been hostile towards me before. In the past, he would just tire of me quickly and leave without a word. But this hurt more than anything.

Having lost all my confidence and completely ashamed of myself, I looked at the boy of my affections nervously.

"Sure uh... Are we cool?"

All hopes of redemption were shattered the moment he uttered those next words, his face full of disgust.

"Get lost, bitch."

I felt like I had been stabbed through the chest. He really hated me, didn't he?

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I sadly glanced at Hopkins, my voice full of hurt as I replied.

"Uh, yeah, o-okay."

He didn't stick around to hear anymore. I watched, heartbroken as he walked across the field and over to... me. The _other_ me.

What the hell was wrong with me?! Why couldn't I express my true feelings?! What was so special about that other Kirby?! Just because he was dressed differently and able to go more places than I could didn't make him anything special!

Wait... Dressed differently? That's it!

I knew something about me was off! No matter how hard I tried, I could never ask Hopkins for flowers. I was only able to roam around the gym and football field, like some sort of invisible barrier was keeping me from going anywhere else.

And I wasn't the only one like this. The other clones in their P.E. uniforms were the exact same way! They never ventured anywhere else. Some of them were even unable to talk, unlike their counterparts.

There were also Vance and Gord, two of the other male students that Hopkins would often kiss. I'd seen him talk to the clone versions before, but never once did they receive flowers or get kissed! I of course wasn't able to leave the area, but every now and then, the original Vance and Gord would be following Hopkins to the field, flowers in hand, and he would kiss them with no problem.

Us clones were defective! I don't know what kind of sick higher being made us this way, but it was infuriating! Why should we be unable to enjoy the finer things in life just because of the way we were dressed? It was bullshit!

"Hey you."

"How's it goin'?"

The feeling of pure hatred burned inside me as I heard Hopkins talking to the sickeningly perfect Kirby. Hopkins was using his charm, as usual, to get from _him_ what he couldn't get from _me_.

"How you doin'?"

"If you liked me you'd give me a present."

I clenched my fists, rage coursing through my entire being as I saw the horrible scene unfold before my eyes. Hopkins took a few steps forward, pulling a bouquet of pink flowers out of nowhere as he held them out to that jackass Kirby.

"I hope you think this is okay."

"Oh, you better not be messin' with my head!"

That lucky bastard gladly accepted the gift, a stupid grin on his ugly face. That should be me! _Me_ me!"

"If you don't tell, we can make out."

"Just you and me."

That was the final straw. I couldn't just stand by and watch this crap any longer. I've had it with that doppelganger son a bitch! Just the two of you huh? Screw that! I'm right here, just as I always have been!

"I'm so tired of this kinda thing goin' on!" I yelled as I frowned and pointed in their direction. I was absolutely enraged as I ran over to the moron version of myself that was kissing Hopkins. As much as I wanted to attack him right then and there, I had to wait, being forced to watch them kiss. It was awful!

All I could do for several moments was move around them, arms in a fighting stance as I scowled.

They finally broke the kiss. Neither of them paid any mind to me as they stared longingly into each other's eyes.

"This never happened, okay?"

Oh, it happened alright, but it ain't ever gonna happen again!

I didn't waste another second and punched that sucker Kirby in the back, causing him to fall face first onto the grass. Hopkins just stood there, seeming not to care.

"You don't mess with me, ever!" I shouted.

The other me stood back up, not making a move. Was he not going to fight back? I punched him in the chest a few times, which made him fall to the ground once again, this time on his back.

I looked down at the loser, furious. "You're goin' down!"

He soon stood up, still doing and saying nothing.

This loser was just going to take it! What an idiot! I grabbed him and punched him in the stomach.

Hopkins scratched his leg and continued to stand there, merely watching as I beat myself up.

"I've got a piece of pound cake for ya wimp!" To prove it, I reared my arm back and sent it forward, punching him hard in the face.

Seeming bored, Hopkins placed his hands on his hips and looked around, ignoring the fight.

I could tell that the other me was almost finished. As the final blow, I once again grabbed him, bringing my head back, then forward with as much force as I could, and headbutted the little coward.

He fell to the ground, holding his knee as he rolled around in pain. "Please turn the hot water on, coach!"

I did it! I defeated the other Kirby!

Reveling in my victory, I put my arms out on either side of me, a triumphant smirk on my face. "Wahaha! K-I-R-B-Y! Hahahaha!"

Yawning, Hopkins began walking away. It was alright though. I was going to get what I wanted soon enough. I just had to be patient.

* * *

I had been sitting on a bench for an hour, waiting for my lame other self to fade away. When he eventually did, I smiled evilly, heading towards the gym.

I soon reached it and went to the boy's locker room, standing outside the entrance until I heard water come on. The other Kirby was taking a shower, and that meant his clothes would be discarded somewhere nearby.

This was my moment to shine! I went into the locker room and looked around for the articles of clothing. I spotted them on top of the lockers next to the shower.

Making sure to be extra careful, I tiptoed over to the lockers. Then, quickly but quietly, I took my clothes off, placing them next to the other Kirby's.

Here it was. This was the move that would change my life forever.

Slowly, I reached up, grabbing the blue sweater and grey slacks that the original me wore. I put them on, and instantly felt a major change sweep over me.

I suddenly felt like I could do anything I wanted! Not once in my life had I ever been anywhere other than the gym or football field. It was literally impossible for me to venture elsewhere. Now I'd finally be able to see what the rest of the school was like! And why stop there? I could go into town as well! I'd always wanted to go to the carnival.

With my new abilities unlocked, I left the locker room, now sprinting as I went outside. For the first time, I would get to see more of the world. I went on a stroll around campus that night, feeling reborn.

* * *

The next morning I woke up, practically shaking from anxiety. It was the good kind, though. I was going to get my man at last, and nothing could make me happier!

I had slept like a baby, actually getting to lie down in a bed for once. Before, when I was limited to only the gym and football field, I would disappear into nothing late at night, until reappearing the next morning. I had never experienced sleep until last night, and it was amazing. I dreamed of Hopkins, and knew that soon those dreams would be coming true.

I left the room I now shared with Dan in the boy's dorm, ignoring him as he greeted me. Running faster than I ever had before, I made my way to the football field. I slowed down once I reached the steps, walking down as my eyes scanned the large area for any sign of that dream boat Hopkins. He was nowhere in sight.

Sighing, I walked over to Dan who was standing near the bleachers on the right side. He sure had gotten there quickly. I left before him and had seen no sign of him on the way there. Oh well. These things happen sometimes.

I talked to him for a few minutes before noticing a familiar figure running around the field. A devilish grin came to my face. It was the other Kirby, now stuck wearing the P.E. uniform, my old outfit.

How does it feel being the inferior one, bitch?! I laughed maniacally in my head, pleased that he would now get to suffer as I had.

I talked to the other jocks and cheerleaders for hours, growing extremely nervous as the time went on. Hopkins hadn't shown up yet, and it was already evening.

I knew he didn't come here every single day, and he had just been here the day before, so maybe he'd be spending his time elsewhere for today. It was disappointing, but I would have to deal with it. I mean, I had spent my whole life unable to kiss him. What was a few more days or however long it would take?

Of course, now that I had the blessed outfit of the original Kirby, I could go wherever I pleased. I might come across Hopkins if I went around campus. He could have been anywhere though. And I wasn't too keen on someone from another clique starting a fight with me if I got too close to them. I'd just have to tough it out and wait.

* * *

I played basketball until it got completely dark. Then I decided to go back to the field. It may have been one of only two places I had been stuck at for so long, but it felt like home. I'd stay there for a little while before going to bed.

I started walking over to one of the benches, wondering what new things I would experience with my improved life.

"Hey, what's up?"

I froze, stopping in my tracks as I heard my favorite voice. I turned around and gazed upon the handsome face of Jimmy Hopkins. Damn, he looked good! His hair was longer than his usual buzzcut, with bangs on the left side. It made him look like a real heart throb. He had a leather jacket on, along with crisp jeans, and black loafers. Anyone who didn't know him would have easily mistaken him for a Greaser. I hated those fools, but Hopkins looked fine as hell in this getup.

Saying the first thing that came to my mind, I complimented him.

"Hey, nice shoes!"

He must have liked that, because he stayed and greeted me again.

"Hi."

"Be nice to _me_ , and I'll be nice to _you_ , know what I mean?"

Oh my God. Did I just say that?! I was so lovestruck by the hottie in front of me that I hadn't even thought as the words left my mouth. I couldn't believe I hadn't said something stupid! This was the first time I had ever gotten this far with him! My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I watched him pull a bouquet of flowers out of thin air.

"For you, baby."

He called me baby! It was as if a bomb had just exploded in my chest, I was so overwhelmed with emotions. Those flowers... They were really for me? Not- the _other_ me? I reached out to take them from Hopkins' hands.

"Aw, you really mean that?"

I was truly touched. No one had ever shown this much interest in me. The only Kirby they gave a damn about was the original one. Well the tables had been turned!

Gathering up all my courage, I spoke the last words that were necessary before I'd get my well-deserved reward.

"Hey, if you step real close you can smell my cologne."

"You smell real good."

We simultaneously stepped closer to one another, wrapping our arms around each other. Our lips connected, and I couldn't contain my loud moans as I received my first kiss ever from the boy I had been longing for my entire existence.

We pulled away too soon for my liking, but that short moment had been the best of my life, and I was sure a lot more would be coming.

"You better not tell anyone about this," I warned, though I really didn't care if this got out. For too long I had watched as this incredible guy kissed countless people, including my other self. I was on top of the world right now, and I didn't care who knew!

Let people be jealous or talk crap about me liking guys. I don't give a damn! I finally had my greatest wish fulfilled, and nothing could get me down.

 **Epilogue**

Ever since that magical night, I had been getting to enjoy those luscious lips nearly every day. It was hard to know for sure since I didn't go everywhere with Hopkins, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was the one he had been kissing more than anyone else lately.

Today, I finally got to go to the carnival. And who did I run into there? None other than Hopkins! As soon as I spotted him, I ran over and greeted him, leading to us kissing

passionately in front of a crowd of people.

"Trent Man does _not_ go for this man!"

This blond zit face soon came running over, glaring daggers at us as he waited for us to finish our make out session.

Oh yeah, wasn't the other Kirby into him? I'd heard rumors of them going on a date at the movies, and then running off after being seen by Hopkins.

Pfft. The other Kirby could have him. The only person I wanted was Hopkins.

When we broke apart, this Trent guy immediately punched me a few times, clearly not playing around.

"Somebody wants to be handicapped!" He threatened.

Oh please. I could take you down any time, pal. And I did! Moments later, he was on the ground writhing in agony.

"That's all you got?" He asked in a weak voice before coughing. Still trying to be tough even after defeat, huh? What a pathetic moron.

I proclaimed my victory over yet another fallen idiot, arms out as I drew the attention of everyone nearby. "See you during visiting hours, wimp!"

Hopkins was pleased, and he stepped closer to give me another smooch. We stood there on top of that loser Trent as we made out again.

* * *

Later in the evening, I found myself back on the football field. The other Kirby was sitting on a bench, probably thinking about how much his life now sucked. I didn't feel one bit sorry for him.

"Hey hey."

Perfect timing!

I turned to look at the guy who was practically my boyfriend now and we did our thing, right in front of my double.

"Come on, this is so uncool!" I heard him yell before he ran off, totally pissed. He attacked Luis, who had been standing around minding his own business.

"Don't do stupid crap like that!" I heard him vaguely from a distance. The other Kirby ignored his command and continued to hit him.

"Got nothin' else to do!" Luis beat the crap out of him with ease. I had never been more entertained by a fight.

"When I get up, you're pound cake..."

That's right Kirby. Be jealous. Now you know how it feels to be the inferior one of us.

* * *

 **A/N: I didn't expect my first Bully fanfic to be a crack one, but once I discovered this could happen in the game, I couldn't stop thinking of this plot and how hilarious it would be.**

 **In a serious story, I wouldn't have any clones exist, as it's completely ridiculous and obviously just an error in the game's coding. In this story's universe, however, no one questions the existence of the clones or their strange tendencies.**

 **I used only quotes from the game as the dialogue. Kirby 2 explains all the details needed with his first person POV. I wanted the story to be simple, with the spoken lines and most actions being things that are actually doable in the game.**

 **I honestly do feel terrible for Kirby 2 when playing. It's obvious he likes Jimmy, as he'll greet him constantly like the other love interests, run over, flirt, and even get jealous and start a fight when seeing him kiss another person. My favorite thing to do in the game is kiss one love interest in front of another to make them angry, and it never fails to amuse me. Recently though I wanted to see if it might possibly work on Kirby 2 when seeing his other self kiss Jimmy. To my surprise and delight, he reacted.**

 **The first time, he attacked Jimmy, and Kirby 1 didn't defend me since people from the same clique can't fight each other. The second time, Kirby 2 attacked the other, but Kirby 1's health bar was so low from fighting someone else earlier that he was instantly knocked out. The third time, I finally got to witness Kirby 2 beat his other self up as the original just stood there, taking it until he was knocked out. I've done it more since then and it's one of the funniest things to happen in the game, especially after Kirby 2 is all proud of his win and announcing it.**

 **Another glitch that happens often is, when a jealous love interest catches you kissing someone, instead of attacking them or Jimmy, they'll run off and attack a random person who has nothing to do with it, even their own clique members. I thought it would be funny to add that at the end with Luis, even though in the game, Luis wouldn't be able to fight back.**

 **As mentioned in the story, Bo, Juri, and Justin's clones are mute. One thing I do often to Justin's clone is shoot the slingshot at his butt as he's running around the field, then watch as he holds it, frowns, points at me, and runs off again.**

 **And recently, Juri's clone went over to the rest of the jocks. Both Juris were standing beside each other. Then Juri 2 started "talking" to Dan, who replied with, "I heard that too!" I love the nonsense that happens thanks to these glitches.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this!**


End file.
